Meat

I love meat.  I hunt.  I worked in a butcher shop.  I clean it, cure it, season it, cook it, serve it.  I’d raise it too, but city ordinances take a dim view of such practices.  And with hunting seasons limited and public lands far away, I’m generally relegated to the suburban method of procurement: grocery stores.

And the problem with said stores is that they tend to only carry cuts that are popular, or at least reasonably in the public knowledge.  The hangar steak is my favorite, but was impossible to find…at least until the public became aware of it.  Of course, when that happened, when I could find it, it was unreasonably priced.  Supply and demand I suppose.

So it goes.  But on the other hand, the general public’s growing curiosity towards alternate cuts has also increased the supply part of the equation.  And so I’m able to find “junk” cuts, like pork belly.

Pork belly is, of course, the part used to make bacon.  And bacon, being a holy gift to us mortal men by powers beyond my comprehension, sat on my shopping list were I ever to see it offered.

And lo and behold, one day it was indeed!  I bought a 10 pound slab.

Of course, acquiring was only the first and smallest step.  I needed to cure and smoke it.  But how?  I’m sure this is the burning question in your very soul at this moment, no doubt also sharing my analysis of bacon being a boon of divinity.

Lacking experience, I needed a baseline, so I followed this recipe.  I take no credit:

How to Make Your Own Bacon

However, I will offer my suggestions, learned through trial and error.

Use a Food Saver bag for the curing part.  This was very effective in removing most of the air, so the meat remained completely immersed in brine.  Not much massaging needed.  Just time.

I don’t have a smoker, but a charcoal grill worked just fine.  It was hard to avoid temperature swings, so be diligent with the fussing.  Better it stay cool than get too hot.

I added wood chips, placed in a foil cup and filled with water.  As the water evaporated off, it steam-smoked flavor into the meat before the dry heat finished the cure.

Reduce the salt by half.  I wasn’t going to leave the bacon sit out, so I’m pretty sure this is safe.  Also regarding salt…

After cutting and before final cooking, soak the bacon strips in water for a half hour.  Otherwise it’s just really salty, even with the reduced salt brine.  I don’t know how they do this step commercially, but if you don’t, your family will complain.

And there you have it: bacon!  “Healthier” bacon, and manlier because I made it myself (I’m in agreement with the above cited article).  And now that I know what I’m doing, I can create my own custom cures.  Experiments!

But first: homemade breakfast sausage…

–Simon

Ventilation

Of all the brilliant ideas the house’s former owner came up with, I recently discovered that one was to disconnect the attic fan.  I have no idea why he did that, aside from being a cheap bastard that didn’t want to pay the costs of running a small electric motor.

Of course this led to some problems.  Notably, our bathroom exhaust and kitchen stove hood fans vent to the attic.  So we’re continually pumping smoke, oil, and steam up there.  We gradually figured this out as subtle cues manifested, like water spots on the ceiling and the smoke detector at the other end of the house going off when cooking.

But despite clear rooftop evidence of a fan once existing, and our neighbor’s assurance that indeed it used to be there, my attic spelunking expedition did not reveal any such evidence.  Nor did I know where to explore.  Nor did I feel so inclined as to lengthen my crawling journey through insulation.  Nay, an alternate solution was needed.

Alternate solution

This is an old rotary blower (courtesy of the Village Elder), which I spliced into an extension cord and mounted to a sheet of plywood cut to fit the width between rafters.  The idea being, that I would mount it against the existing passive heat vent, thereby turning it into a powered vent.

The passive vent

Some 2x4s and deck screws later, with a side helping of profanity, and the fan was affixed.

Of course, the outlet up there I had originally planned to plug it into had to be disconnected, also another dumbass idea of the prior owner no doubt, so I had to fix that, which also revealed other problems: spliced wires not properly contained in a junction box and missing grounding wires.  Projects for another day.  For now, I just wanted this working.  Minimum Viable Product, as they call it in the Agile world.

Ignorance is bliss. Don’t go in your attic. It’ll just make you wonder how your house hasn’t burned down yet.

Finally, I employed a fancy little wireless switch, so I could control it without climbing up there.  And I installed a weather sensor too, so I knew when it was getting too humid.

So how does it work?  It works, but it’s definitely under-powered for the amount of air I’m asking it to move.  I plan to install a second fan at the other end of the house eventually.  But for now, at least the shower steam won’t rot the roof out.  Small victories.

–Simon

Piñata

With the dubious safety of Trick or Treating under pandemic conditions, a safer way was needed for helping the kid develop diabetes.  And fortunately, such a project lay within my own childhood experiences: a piñata!

For the uninitiated, this involves inflating a balloon and coating it with hundreds of glue-soaked newspaper strips.

Then the balloon gets popped and removed from the now rigid structure (after it dries of course).  The resulting cavity is then packed with the aforementioned diabetes-inducing abominations.

After taping over the hole, the piñata must be decorated…by gluing thousands of tissue paper squares in a pleasing arrangement.  Specifically, they must be glued in a crinkle method to enhance texture and notable cheer.  Look at all that family cheer in the above photo!

Photos are then taken, for a piñata’s existence is very…ephemeral.  (Hey!  That’s the name of this blog!)

Piñata’s are then hung by the chimney with care…I mean honeysuckle.

And smashed to oblivion violently with a blunt object!  Releasing their diabetic contents upon the sanitary dirt.  Mother-in-laws assess the situation and offer insight.

Then it’s immolated, to signify life’s return to dust and ashes, or for luck, or because Dad doesn’t want another dust collector hanging around.

So ends the COVID-19 Halloween.  Happy Halloween everyone!

–Simon

Laminate (Part 4)

The laminate saga continues.  To recap: carpet is disgusting and needs to be banished to the inferno!

We had actually installed new carpet in the master bedroom when we bought the house.  It was an emergency solution.  The existing carpet was beyond hope.  It had been cleaned so much that it had unevenly bleached out.  It was also the first glimpse we got of what happens to carpet padding after 50 years.  It had to go, and we had Lowe’s contract the replacement with what we thought at the time would be a long-term solution: Stainmaster carpet.

Burn it!

But carpet is carpet.  And dogs are dogs.  And stink is stink.  And unlimited trash pickup day was arriving.  So here we went again.

That’s right, you can’t handle the responsibility of carpet

But this time, I bought an oscillating saw.  In the past I used a coping saw, but that was laborious.  Plus, it was an excuse to get a new power tool.

Look at that intricate set of perfect cuts!

I also added trim the the closet frames.  And Liz painted a shade of green this time.

Ooooo, all clean and sterile

It does look nice and inviting.  Two more rooms to go!

–Simon

Compost

A few years back I “fondly” recalled my parents’ compost pile.  That was during the Texas years.  It wasn’t fun.  I vowed to never force the experience upon my own kid.

And I have indeed stuck to that principle, though I’ve admittedly since started composting anyway.  But in fairness, there’s a lot of organic waste that needs to be disposed of, and why fill up the trash bins with it?  And we have gardens.  So fine–there are advantages.  But I won’t go crazy with it.

No, I’ll create a quaint and reasonable compost pile.

Right side: last year’s yard waste

Plus, I have a tiller to mix it up, so no manually turning with a pitchfork.

And so far, I’m impressed with how well it’s breaking down.  As new kitchen waste gets added to the pile (something I do make the kid take care of), I simply pile leaves on top from the edges to keep the stink down.

Apparently it’s possible to do these things non-obsessively.  Who knew?

–Simon