Category: Observations

Over the years, I’ve made a few notes about The Landscaper.  He was…an interesting neighbor.  First there was an issue with his delinquent children leaving beer cans in our yard.  Then our ongoing irritation with his kids cutting through our garden.  And the little spat about backyard fires (and his wife, The Harpy, screaming obscenities as me).  And their dog which they let crap in our yard without cleaning up (I’ve even seen their son intentionally goad the dog over here to crap).  But in the end, it became obvious that The Landscaper wasn’t mean-spirited.  He was just negligent.  A bad neighbor perhaps, but a decent person.

The Harpy, on the other hand, was patronizing and condescending, when and if she ever made an appearance outside at all, going so far as to call The Landscaper home when she found him joining us at our firepit for some beer and chatting.  From afar, of course.  She didn’t walk over.

They ultimately separated.  And from the rumor mill, that’s putting it lightly.  Something about drugs and alcohol and a restraining order.  All unverified claims of course, since the information was through other channels.  The point being, our neighborhood representative of that property was no more. All was quiet for a time.

Then began the construction project.  Initially a quaint foundation, through the dedicated and noisy efforts of an Old Redneck, and lots of Fleetwood Mac, it grew to become an enormous plywood box.  Granted I was none too thrilled, but I ordinarily stay out of confrontations unless the matter is more serious.

The matter became a little more serious when The Motorcyclist paid us a visit.  Another neighbor with whom we initially had a strained relationship, over whom I was perhaps a little overly-critical, we had since settled into a general truce after the whole fence and surveying matter.  But now he was angry, though not with us thankfully.

He was miffed with the Plywood Palace, and expressed his desire to drive down to city hall and protest.  Taking a more rational approach, and now with the understanding that the matter was bothering more than just myself, I submitted an inquiry to the city’s Planning commission, detailing which zoning statues the structure appeared to violate, and asking if it had a permit.  At the time, I figured this approach would bring some peace to a neighbor, while also curbing the construction’s efforts to complete an unsightly monstrosity for everyone to have to see on a daily basis, instead limiting its height to something more reasonable.  And as an added bonus, it was still in their own best interest to have the paperwork in order before they inevitably tried to sell the house.

What I didn’t expect was the city’s immediate response to dispatch an inspector.  I saw the truck arrive and some measurements being made, the insistence of The Landscaper’s former wife that she had approval for it (which I have since searched for and doesn’t exist in the public records), and some other discussion taking place before I quietly excused myself.  Shortly thereafter, construction ceased.  The Planning Commission’s representative responded to me that they were “working with the homeowner now to ensure everything is being done up to code.”  Fine by me.  If the city deems it acceptable, than who am I to object?

Re:
5607 Red Coach Rd
Dayton, OH  45429

Hello, I’m writing to inquire on any recent permit and inspection filings for the above address, with regards to an accessory building.  Specifically, my concern is regarding Section 9.39 of the City of Centerville Unified Development Ordinance pertaining to Accessory Buildings and Use Standards, General Provisions, restrictions 1, 3, 5, and 6.  The structure in question appears to in violation of these statutes.

I haven’t seen the owner (nor am I certain of who that is), and I’d hate to see the structure advance to completion, only for a zoning issue to arise later.  Others have begun grumbling about the project, so I feel it’s better to bring this to attention now rather than later, and save the owner additional inconvenience.

If the structure has been approved, then please disregard.  Thank you.

Yours,
Simon

Some time later, The Motorcyclist stormed over again.  He had apparently gone to city hall anyway, more than once, and was delivering the message that the Planning Commission was to review the case in an upcoming meeting.  If we had objections to submit, we needed to get those in.  So I sent another message, reaffirming that I didn’t feel it acceptable to approve a structure in violation of published zoning statutes post facto, but if it were to be brought into compliance with these statutes, then that would of course be perfectly reasonable.

Re:
5607 Red Coach Rd
Dayton, OH  45429

To whom it may concern,

I recently wrote to inform of an accessory building under construction at this address.

It has since come to my attention that this accessory building is undergoing a review, pending a final decision to grant special approval.  I also understand that any final commentary prior to this decision should be addressed to this email.

As a neighbor of this address and resident of Centerville, I object to the granting of any such special approval.  

I have no objections to the present zoning statutes that regulate these structures, as they clearly maintain the safety, function, and aesthetics of the neighborhood.  And I fear that granting this structure special approval will undermine the spirit of these rules, as well as send a precedent for their future exemption.

To be clear, I would have no objections to the building were it modified to comply with all city zoning requirements.

Thank you for your time,
Simon

The meeting took place, and the motion to grant special approval was denied.

https://www.centervilleohio.gov/home/showpublisheddocument?id=40957

Following that, construction continued, but the height of the structure was first reduced to a perfectly acceptable and pleasing 12′.  In fact, pending completion, it looks very nice.

But The Old Redneck, true to his namesake, had to say something.  Those personality types operate on old honor codes, codes which require responsive action to a perceived personal slight, codes which on some level I still wish existed, except they tend towards premature violence.

But his honor code fell short when he formulated his comment to be completely passive-aggressive.  Old codes don’t work so well in civilized life.  Nor do they carry much weight when directed towards a much younger man wielding a large axe (he chose his moment of confrontation to coincide with me chopping wood).  And since there’s also little honor in taunting an old man from afar while on my own property and holding a weapon, I dismissed him and resumed my task at hand, ignoring additional attempts to re-engage until, disgruntled, he stomped off inside.

There’s lessons to be had on both sides here, though I had a good idea how it would end.  Your house might be your castle, but it’s governed by the city.  And if you think city rules don’t apply to you, it’s unwise to also refuse any active and positive relationship with your neighbors, going so far as to show overt disregard; because while involving the city in the matter wasn’t intended as petty revenge, it sure was satisfying nonetheless.

–Simon

I admit that I have indeed been feeling cantankerous.  In fact, my new boss, who I speak with for all of 27-29 minutes each week, recently asked me if I had considered scheduling some of my vacation time.  Maybe that was a hint?  I dunno.  My employer is doing this weird thing now where they actively concern themselves with the mental health of their employees.  I guess at some point employers realized that screaming, twitching, anxiety disorder-ridden staff on the verge of violent self-harm wasn’t good for business.  I missed that memo.  I’m not sure when the collective transition took place.  I wish I knew how to emotionally handle groups of other people concerned with my wellbeing.

So obviously, I started causing some trouble.

But first, some background.

At our townhouse, the prior resident most definitely had a cat.  And you know that bullshit apartment complexes do in times of high demand where they let you tour the model but you don’t actually see your specific (and much less appealing) unit until after signing the lease?  Oh sure, you could demand to see it first.  But the prior tenant hasn’t left yet, so you get the next available unit, and if you choose to wait, someone else will the sign the lease and you’re stuck apartment-hunting again.  As a consequence, we moved into a townhouse with cat pee smell and battled it for 5 years.  Carpet shampooing and bowls of activated carbon in the closets mostly solved the problem inside, but every time it rained, the back patio enclosure reeked so bad we couldn’t go out there until it dried.

Now, comfortably relocated to our home in the suburbs, those days are behind us.  Except cat people seem to exist everywhere.  And many cat people, as you are probably well aware, through whatever misguided concept of how cats should be treated or perhaps due to sheer laziness, decide to simply send their pets outside to pee on their neighbor’s property.  It baffles me greatly why these people think this is acceptable, and to which there’s no parallel.  Sure, there’s a certain degree of acceptance that people walking their dogs may end up with those dogs peeing in your lawn at the end of the road, but that’s a far cry from leading their dog through your gardens to pee on your house, or letting it run over and dig holes in your yard.  There’s an understanding that unchecked dog behavior is offensive to others.  But apparently, not so with cats’.

So it was when I found a black cat frequenting my shade garden that I had flashbacks to the townhouse days.  No way in hell I’m going to let my cozy retreat be forever rendered unusable.  Liz contacted the neighbors we knew had cats, and both claimed ignorance of the cat in question, stating that theirs were inside at the time.  Fair enough.  Due diligence completed.  It was time for a more direct approach.

I took to social media (yes I know–shudder), and frankly announced that whoever’s cat was loose had the chance to reclaim it or…there would be a loud bang.  The immediate public reaction was, as you might expect…what you would expect.

One person told me to spray it with a hose.  She then asked me if I had a hose and, before I could respond, say that if I didn’t have one she would be happy to take up a collection.  I found the attempted condescension amusing.  Proper condescension would have also questioned if I possessed the skill set required to operate a hose, but she was an obvious amateur at this.  Years of customer service has made me an expert at such banter (amazing how many computer scientists and programmers there are suddenly once you tell them that there must have been a glitch in the system somewhere) and has armed me with a variety of ironclad responses to the typical snark.  Had she questioned my ability to use a hose and I rebutted with the assurance that I did know how to use a hose, she would have no doubt escalated to her credentials in hose-usage; how she was a professional hose manufacturer and performed testing on hoses for 30 years, in the process receiving a Ph.D. in Hose Theory from MIT, and that I truly didn’t know how to properly use a hose.

Another gentleman chose to inform me that it was illegal to shoot a cat, apparently ignoring the more fundamental laws against discharging firearms in city limits, but okay.  I assured the man that I wasn’t really going to shoot any cats, as he seemed of the more sound minded and had correctly assumed I wasn’t serious.

Another woman, jumping into the conversation late and an obvious troll, snapped at my suggestion that I would be shooting down the street.  Choosing the ignore her comment as I had already addressed the fact that I wasn’t really going to be doing any shooting, I chose to call out her obvious pseudonym–complimenting it in fact as it was “Karen Manager”.  It genuinely made me laugh and deserved praise.  I was rewarded for my levity by her then calling my wife fat.  I admitted that we do have a weakness for foie gras, caviar, and bourbon; but her posts and profile were shortly deleted.  I think someone (not me) reported it and had it removed.

Eventually the trolls and those filled with righteous indignation lost their interest and lessened their comments (except hose lady, who again asked me why I didn’t own a hose).

But the best part was the people coming to my defense, proving that I was not alone in this sentiment, but so far the only one willing to call it out.  In fact, their comments were quicker than mine, giving the feed its own life and no longer requiring my input to keep it going (except to occasionally poke at the bible lady who was convinced of my sociopathy).

But ultimately I had to end it before the conversation devolved into a Reductio ad Hitlerum fallacy.  I truthfully admitted my post was intentionally inflammatory, having used a little social engineering to bring out people’s true feelings on the topic (or apparently their true feelings about animals, killing, and the bible, in some cases), on a topic that might otherwise have gone completely ignored, to instead result in a lengthy discussion and prove that there are many people in this world that don’t appreciate your fucking cat peeing on and damaging their property.  And with that admission also exposing to the commentators how easily they had been manipulated, the conversation instantly died.

Yes, if you jump into a discussion with angry comments only vaguely related to the topic, you’re stupid (or a child).  And if you think no one cares that your cat is running around their property unsupervised, you’re stupid (or just really naive?).  Or, if you don’t care that your cat is damaging other people’s property, perhaps you’re just an asshole (you’re an asshole).

(Also, I have a garden hose.)

–Simon