Simon – Page 35 – Ephemerality

January 16, 2021May 17, 2023

Wood Burner

One of the more exciting moments from Herbert’s Dune Messiah novel was a nighttime attack with the Stone Burner. The second book in the series, it lacked some of the foreboding intrigue and suspense of its predecessor, and so the few action scenes stick out more vividly in my memory.

The Stone Burner, like most of Herbert’s pseudo-tech, was a rather ambiguous device, hinting at nuclear power but never really confirming. The terror lay in its unique ability–exploding in some pillar of fire, then emitting a radiation which liquefied eye tissue, thereby blinding everyone within range (this was a plot device I suppose, as the traditional law of Fremen was to abandon their blind in the desert).

In the SyFy miniseries, a late night rendezvous is interrupted by the ominous silence of a pre-storm, followed by the crescendoing wind, and a character’s sudden utterance of realization: “Stone Burner…!”.

This post is far less interesting. But I always think of the Stone Burner when loading my new, somewhat less destructive, wood burner, which releases…controlled infrared and…clouds of noxious fumes…at least until I get the vents adjusted properly. For comfort!

Okay: the point now. We had the chimney swept. We do this periodically as we enjoy using the fireplace. And it should be noted at this point that the chimney passed home-buying inspection (which is a nonsense cursory review at best), followed by some company that proved to be not so legit after our first cleaning (a couple rednecks with shop vacs). The time after that, a most apparent professional, or so it seemed anyway, completed a thorough examination of the chimney with cameras, concluding that we had at some point suffered a chimney fire due to excessive creosote, which conveniently put us in the position of being able to file an insurance claim for money to pay him to either do repairs or install a wood burner insert.

The insurance company, balking at a 5-figure claim, sent out their own inspector, who concluded that there was no chimney fire, but agreed that the creosote buildup, combined with ageing mortar, rendered the fireplace unusable.

We, not being chimney experts, weighed our options, and ultimately settled on the wood burner insert option (albeit without insurance money to pay for it), which bypasses the chimney entirely with it’s own metal piping (well, not bypass as it uses the path of the chimney, but it doesn’t rely on it’s insulative properties). The burner itself is entirely self-contained–essentially an oven which traps the heat, catalyzes the smoke for a clean burn, and employs a fan system to pass house air around the system to heat the room. This solution was not only half the price of a prospective chimney repair, but it actually heats the house.

It did have its learning curve though. Wood has to be split much smaller, I often have to override the fire vent’s automatic shutoff to keep it burning, and I have to leave the door open long enough for the fire to reach a self-sustaining size before closing (this is all contrary to the official instructions). Then it requires multi-stage feeding to build the coal bed.

It also works much better to burn large fires, and to not periodically feed them. It’s more of a burst system, and function over form. Still…

The whippet approves.

And no eyes were melted yet.

–Simon

January 6, 2021May 17, 2023

Garbage Pile 2

I have another garbage pile of posts, on account of me being lazy and not posting over the holiday. So here we go:

Managed to compost all the leaves this year. Hell yeah!

Tried steaming rice in banana leaves. Cook the rice first.

Sister sent us emu meat. Looking forward to trying that out.

–Simon

December 11, 2020

Family Project Management

As the only one of my family (my childhood family, to be clear) with a humanities degree, and the only one in a business management position, family conversations can be a little stilted. General banal discussion is normal enough, provided everyone agrees on the political/ethical stance of the topic, but informational discussions take a somewhat different direction, however predictable. I’ll explain:

With so many scientists available in a group chat, I would be remiss to not tap that collective knowledge. But as they’re family, it’s a no-holds-barred bargain. Here’s the typical discussion format:

Me: “Hello family, I have a science question about [insert something science-y]. Could one of you provide some information on said topic of interest?”

First Person to Respond: “Of course, the information is simply [page 1 Google search results answer, which I’ve already read].” Condescending inferences to my poor judgment in academic/career choices may follow.

Next Person to Respond: [Directed at First Person to Respond] “I concur. Let us now wax scientific in a mutual ego-stroking session, lauding our superior academic/career choices, yet making sure that Simon stays present in the conversation so he can bask in our greatness.”

Third Person to Respond [only if a Parent]: “Well, you know how bad Simon is at math.” [This comment occurs regardless of mathematical relevance to the initial question]

So why would I subject myself to this? That’s a good question. Here’s the answer:

I already know the scientific information. I either knew it previously, or looked it up prior to my query submission. I then usually read a sampling of articles to make sure I’m avoiding unqualified internet drivel.
I then compare this information to the information my family provides. At this point, I either find affirmation, additional information, inconsistencies, or contradiction. It most cases it’s the former two scenarios.
If my family reveals additional information, inconsistencies, or contradiction; my search for further knowledge continues. This may result in me pressing the dialog, but generally speaking, when I do, the motivation of my interlocutors seems to have run dry (as ego-stroking and condescension have at this point run their course) and I don’t glean anything else. In any case, I know to continue my research.
Final point: I don’t let on that I probably already know the answer. This is because I have experience in project management. The manager avoids introducing a question with such annotations in order to avoid bias and influencing others’ opinions prior to answering. That way, he gets information which is a direct result of the speaker’s knowledge and feelings on that knowledge, and isn’t altered by prompting.

It is an effective tactic, but comes with a price. It reinforces my family’s belief that I’m an idiot who made bad life choices, as well as reinforcing their own arrogance, all the while giving the false impression that anyone not in the sciences knows nothing of the natural world they inhabit. A bargain with the devil, I suppose.

(Also: why always the math thing? I struggled with Calculus, but I had a 80-something percentile on my GRE math score. I knew math better than the vast majority of graduates taking the test over a 3-year period, regardless of major. Does anyone remember that?)

Information might have been democratized, but that doesn’t stop people from feeling smug about what they know.

–Simon

December 4, 2020May 17, 2023

Quarantine Thanksgiving

Each Thanksgiving I suffer horrible heartburn. Naturally, I attributed this to the large amount of animal fat I was consuming. But this year, we were bereft of any extended family, and amazingly, despite still cooking the same meal, I didn’t have heartburn. I don’t want to make any premature conclusions, so I’ll have to give this additional tests to widen the sample size. No family is allowed to visit until further notice, pending my scientific assessment. For science!

Anyway, here’s some photos to mark the occasion. Happy Thanksgiving all!

–Simon

November 27, 2020May 17, 2023

Plywood Palace

Over the years, I’ve made a few notes about The Landscaper. He was…an interesting neighbor. First there was an issue with his delinquent children leaving beer cans in our yard. Then our ongoing irritation with his kids cutting through our garden. And the little spat about backyard fires (and his wife, The Harpy, screaming obscenities as me). And their dog which they let crap in our yard without cleaning up (I’ve even seen their son intentionally goad the dog over here to crap). But in the end, it became obvious that The Landscaper wasn’t mean-spirited. He was just negligent. A bad neighbor perhaps, but a decent person.

The Harpy, on the other hand, was patronizing and condescending, when and if she ever made an appearance outside at all, going so far as to call The Landscaper home when she found him joining us at our firepit for some beer and chatting. From afar, of course. She didn’t walk over.

They ultimately separated. And from the rumor mill, that’s putting it lightly. Something about drugs and alcohol and a restraining order. All unverified claims of course, since the information was through other channels. The point being, our neighborhood representative of that property was no more. All was quiet for a time.

Then began the construction project. Initially a quaint foundation, through the dedicated and noisy efforts of an Old Redneck, and lots of Fleetwood Mac, it grew to become an enormous plywood box. Granted I was none too thrilled, but I ordinarily stay out of confrontations unless the matter is more serious.

The matter became a little more serious when The Motorcyclist paid us a visit. Another neighbor with whom we initially had a strained relationship, over whom I was perhaps a little overly-critical, we had since settled into a general truce after the whole fence and surveying matter. But now he was angry, though not with us thankfully.

He was miffed with the Plywood Palace, and expressed his desire to drive down to city hall and protest. Taking a more rational approach, and now with the understanding that the matter was bothering more than just myself, I submitted an inquiry to the city’s Planning commission, detailing which zoning statues the structure appeared to violate, and asking if it had a permit. At the time, I figured this approach would bring some peace to a neighbor, while also curbing the construction’s efforts to complete an unsightly monstrosity for everyone to have to see on a daily basis, instead limiting its height to something more reasonable. And as an added bonus, it was still in their own best interest to have the paperwork in order before they inevitably tried to sell the house.

What I didn’t expect was the city’s immediate response to dispatch an inspector. I saw the truck arrive and some measurements being made, the insistence of The Landscaper’s former wife that she had approval for it (which I have since searched for and doesn’t exist in the public records), and some other discussion taking place before I quietly excused myself. Shortly thereafter, construction ceased. The Planning Commission’s representative responded to me that they were “working with the homeowner now to ensure everything is being done up to code.” Fine by me. If the city deems it acceptable, than who am I to object?

Re:
5607 Red Coach Rd
Dayton, OH 45429

Hello, I’m writing to inquire on any recent permit and inspection filings for the above address, with regards to an accessory building. Specifically, my concern is regarding Section 9.39 of the City of Centerville Unified Development Ordinance pertaining to Accessory Buildings and Use Standards, General Provisions, restrictions 1, 3, 5, and 6. The structure in question appears to in violation of these statutes.

I haven’t seen the owner (nor am I certain of who that is), and I’d hate to see the structure advance to completion, only for a zoning issue to arise later. Others have begun grumbling about the project, so I feel it’s better to bring this to attention now rather than later, and save the owner additional inconvenience.

If the structure has been approved, then please disregard. Thank you.

Yours,
Simon

Some time later, The Motorcyclist stormed over again. He had apparently gone to city hall anyway, more than once, and was delivering the message that the Planning Commission was to review the case in an upcoming meeting. If we had objections to submit, we needed to get those in. So I sent another message, reaffirming that I didn’t feel it acceptable to approve a structure in violation of published zoning statutes post facto, but if it were to be brought into compliance with these statutes, then that would of course be perfectly reasonable.

Re:
5607 Red Coach Rd
Dayton, OH 45429

To whom it may concern,

I recently wrote to inform of an accessory building under construction at this address.

It has since come to my attention that this accessory building is undergoing a review, pending a final decision to grant special approval. I also understand that any final commentary prior to this decision should be addressed to this email.

As a neighbor of this address and resident of Centerville, I object to the granting of any such special approval.

I have no objections to the present zoning statutes that regulate these structures, as they clearly maintain the safety, function, and aesthetics of the neighborhood. And I fear that granting this structure special approval will undermine the spirit of these rules, as well as send a precedent for their future exemption.

To be clear, I would have no objections to the building were it modified to comply with all city zoning requirements.

Thank you for your time,
Simon

The meeting took place, and the motion to grant special approval was denied.

https://www.centervilleohio.gov/home/showpublisheddocument?id=40957

Following that, construction continued, but the height of the structure was first reduced to a perfectly acceptable and pleasing 12′. In fact, pending completion, it looks very nice.

But The Old Redneck, true to his namesake, had to say something. Those personality types operate on old honor codes, codes which require responsive action to a perceived personal slight, codes which on some level I still wish existed, except they tend towards premature violence.

But his honor code fell short when he formulated his comment to be completely passive-aggressive. Old codes don’t work so well in civilized life. Nor do they carry much weight when directed towards a much younger man wielding a large axe (he chose his moment of confrontation to coincide with me chopping wood). And since there’s also little honor in taunting an old man from afar while on my own property and holding a weapon, I dismissed him and resumed my task at hand, ignoring additional attempts to re-engage until, disgruntled, he stomped off inside.

There’s lessons to be had on both sides here, though I had a good idea how it would end. Your house might be your castle, but it’s governed by the city. And if you think city rules don’t apply to you, it’s unwise to also refuse any active and positive relationship with your neighbors, going so far as to show overt disregard; because while involving the city in the matter wasn’t intended as petty revenge, it sure was satisfying nonetheless.

–Simon