In the world of units of standards and measure, there are weight distinctions to make. They’re confusing to the uninitiated, so here’s a quick reference guide in increasing ranks:
Crap Ton < Ass Load < Fuck Ton < Mother Load
Some of these are archaic, others are preferred in different industries, and some are the result of the Metric vs Imperial system.
These shouldn’t be mixed up with other measurements that append a descriptor to simply emphasize an ephemeral state. An example: “cold as balls” and “hot as balls”. Neither make much sense in an etymological sense, but that’s besides the point. You get the message.
So how to measure the weight of snow? I propose “Cold Ton”, but until that becomes standardized I’ll default to the American “Short Ton” of 2000lbs, vs the European “Metric Ton/Long Ton” of 1000kgs.
So when it snowed recently, during a cold as balls weekend, what originally appeared to be a Fuck Ton of snow quickly superseded Mother Load status upon measurement. It warranted such data collection, as it was the most snow I had ever seen.
Working from home, I’m generally not terribly inconvenienced by snow, so long as it doesn’t damage anything or knock out the power. So let’s first look at some nice pictures:
But, I still have to shovel it off the driveway, and even with the help of conscripted labor, it required two days and 16 Ibuprofen. Such a feat required me to measure the final weight of our adversary. Because data and math!
First off, I established a weight/volume baseline, because snow density isn’t a universal constant. Using a measuring cup and a kitchen scale, I determined that one cup (8 fluid ounces) of non-packed snow weighed 1.2 ounces by weight. And with a cubic foot being 957.5 fluid ounces (our snow in question therefore weighed ~9 pounds per cubic foot), and my driveway being 1581 square feet (which equals the same in cubic feet because we got almost exactly one foot of snow), and of course 1 pound being 16 ounces by weight…
We removed 14,191 pounds of snow from the driveway. Which equals about 7.1 Short Tons of snow!
(My proposal: Cold Ton = Ibuprofen / Short Tons. We received 2.25 Cold Tons of snow.)
Here’s what that amount of snow looks like visually. The portion shown in this photo is about half of the total:
Snow is heavy, and I certainly understand now how little of it will kill you if buried in an avalanche. Or why people get heart attacks shoveling it.
–Simon