Foodies

I never was a foodie.  I always viewed an obsession with food as unhealthy.  Then I had two revelations:

  1. I don’t live in a foodie culture.  I live in an over-indulgence culture.  That I can’t order a lunch anywhere and be without leftovers is indicative of this.  When our agricultural system was streamlined and ownership consolidated, with production determined by government subsidy, we ended up with vast quantities of high-calorie and low-quality food–product that needs to be moved.  So food is cheap but not good.  We compensate by adding addictive flavor enhancers, then eating too much.  When contrasted with true foodie cultures, the ones that refuse to lower quality, we end up with small and expensive portions, that are overall lower in calories and additives, which also taste better naturally.  And we ridicule these people relentlessly (damn French!)
  2. Being descended from western European immigrants, the food I grew up with was of traditional peasant variety.  This alone didn’t make the food bad, but coupled with a lower middle class childhood, my mother’s food didn’t generally branch out into the more exotic ingredients out of basic economics.  And her own upbringing instilled the value of food being simply available, so to her standpoint being a foodie was having sufficient quantities and eating a lot.  And shut up and eat, because starving children in China.

These two points continually boost each other, and whether we blame capitalism or economic limitations as the initiator, the end result is that American middle class food culture is one of excess over quality.

But then I developed the technical skills required for cooking, and while my formative financial station kept me locked in the familiar mediocrity, my socioeconomic ladder-climbing provided exploratory means.  I realized that cooking, like any technical skill, could be quite rewarding when also risking failure (something money allows).  I argue with people on the true artistry of food preparation, but I don’t think many of us achieve that level.  We are not chefs.  We are cooks, executing known techniques to output a palatable result, which is not to say that the process is easy to learn, or not fun and interesting.

But enough of my sociological babble.  That was just an intro so I could show what I’ve been up to on the food front.

…which amusingly begins with peasant food!

Potatoes, onions, blood sausage, sauerkraut, and dumplings.  That’s pretty peasanty all right.  Filling and hitting all the macronutrients.  This was mainly to try the blood sausage, which I had never had before.  Like liver, it was unsurprisingly very rich and iron-y.  It was okay, but I don’t think I’ll get it again.

Next up, bread, which I don’t think qualifies as peasant food.  It predates that, being a standard subsistence food for humanity and the reason for agriculture’s genesis.  Well, that and beer.  Both cereal crops though.

But, this is no simple bread.  This is sourdough, and a wild strain at that.

Bread freaks go on and on about this–about how sourdough yeast is unique to the geographical region and by baking with it, the essence of said region has been captured.  However true that may be, it sounds a little too fanciful for some damn bread.  But it still holds an ounce of coolness, that I now posses the knowledge to create bread sans commercial yeast.  And unlike commercial yeasts, this one had a much stronger flavor.  I’ll try to keep that mother alive (the yeast one–the other one’s on her own).

And next, some more smoking successes.  While I can’t claim the other dishes on this table, I did smoke a turkey for the first time, to positive reviews.  I don’t know where exactly turkey fits in on the status scale, because it’s a holiday tradition food, so maybe it’s exempt altogether.

Turns out that smoking is indeed a viable cooking method.  I’ll try frying one of these years.

And last, also smoked–some more bacon.  Pork belly might have originated as low class food, but with its popularity and prices today, I think it achieved haute cuisine.  Noveau riche, perhaps.

Smokin’

Prior attempts were good, but this batch seems especially tasty.  Maybe that’s because of the meat slicer acquisition.  Uniform pieces make me feel professional…and bring back nightmares from a certain prior job.  Worth it.

Thick bacon!  Not that sissy store crap.

There we have it: good food, normal ingredients.  And while much of my cooking may have peasant origins, I can at least claim proper execution and variations in method.  But more importantly, I’ve learned to appreciate the result, not the quantity, of the final dish.  Perhaps I’m a true foodie after all.

–Simon

Smokin’

No not that kind.  Although arguably consuming copious quantities of cured meat products is just as bad for your long-term health.  But my death will likely be from cancer, stroke, or cardiac arrest anyway; and I’d prefer the last option.  So really, I’m just ensuring my selection bears out, even if I have to accept the inevitable sooner than I’d prefer.

Or I might accidentally drop my shotgun.  Who knows?  Life is my oyster (which is a meat I can’t eat, sadly).

Anyways–meat that I can eat!

Background: of all the ways I can cook meat, I lacked a reliable way to smoke it.  And while Alton Brown’s various cardboard concoctions appear effective on TV, I prefer something a little more permanent.  And less flammable.

Enter my bday present!

It’s electric!

After all, smoking is done at low temperatures, so I see little value in charcoal or propane, aside from mad pitmaster bragging points of course.  Nay, I’d rather let a thermostat do the work for me while I attend to other tasks.

And so far, it’s worked really well.  It might not be authentic, but no one’s yet argued the point while stuffing their faces with delicious smoked delicacies. such as salmon!  Chicken!  Ribs!  And…

Bacon!

Meat

Definitely better this way.  Smokier.  More nitrates, too!  Heart attack coming first!

Need to try leg of lamb, pork butt, and beef brisket next.  Take a deep breath.  It’ll be hard to move here soon.

–Simon

I Can’t See You…More

A year later and the clematis are doing a nice job.

This is an update to the original trellis post (the one about the fucking tools in the fucking truck, wherein they should never be placed).

So far, they’re doing a good job with the view obstruction.  So good, apparently, that the neighbors decided to move their deck furniture against the property line, between the Plywood Palace and…our compost pile.  If they’re trying to intimidate us with such a move, it will come as an interesting surprise to them when the late summer rolls around and I have rotting kitchen scraps back there.  Odd people, but they’ll have a nice view at least.

–Simon

Root Cellar

Last year I mentioned the need for a root cellar.

Staple Solanums

This was predicated upon the expectation of a large potato crop–the results of my hand made potato box.

The final yield was, however, lackluster, and my other root crops, onions and garlic, don’t require root cellar conditions.

But the carrots did exceptionally well, and storing them in a combination of the crisper drawer in the fridge and the garage, well, was annoying.  So I revisited my plans to convert the crawlspace.

All I intended was to add some shelving, but I never got around to it, and my earlier attempts at using it for storing radishes resulted in a box of moldy radishes.  I abandoned the plan.

Then our chest freezer died.  Its thermostat had always been finicky, refusing to settle anywhere between 0 and -30.  And when the power went out, the compressor never clicked back on again.

It always had that busted corner too. Maybe that was part of the problem.

Everyone surely remembers the great toilet paper shortage of COVID.  Faced with a temporary yet inconvenient possibility of having to wait a few days to buy what we wanted immediately, people began stockpiling items they were most afraid of going a day without: food, sanitary products…ammunition…?

You never know when you might need to shoot your neighbor because they bought all the toilet paper.  And apparently that’s going to require a thousand rounds.

Anyway, on this list was deep freezers, to store all this frozen food that you might have to go a day without.  And now, almost a year after the quarantines, they’re apparently still hard to find.  But find one we did, at a former Sear’s warehouse, for too much money.  But it was either that or lose all the steak, and I’ll be damned if I have to go a day without steak.  So we bought it and lugged it home and hooked it up and…at that point I noticed the old freezer had finally clicked back on.

God dammit.

But then I got an idea.  We could take it back, or I could convert the old glitchy one into a root cellar!  Which is essentially just a giant refrigerator.  It’s impossible to keep a dirt cellar 33-40 degrees with 98% humidity anyway.  So while this approach might not be more efficient, it was certainly more effective.

But one problem remained: freezers aren’t refrigerators and aren’t designed to act as such.  Fortunately, that problem had already been addressed.  The market is flooded with thermostatic controller overrides, which turn the power on and off to the external cord independently of the freezer’s wonky and cheap internal thermostat.

That’s right, an override!

So far it’s working pretty well, though I might add some water jugs in there to help regulate.  It tends to turn on and off more frequently than I’d like.  I know compressors don’t like that.

Or I could just add a bunch of beer in there instead…for thermoregulating purposes.

And with one last addition, milk crates, I have stackable storage in there too, which keeps things off the metal liner (hopefully this will also prevent frostbite).  And even though these reduce the usable space, it’s still a ton of storage.  I even thawed a turkey in there last week, so there’s certainly uses beyond just vegetables.

I won’t have to occupy an entire fridge door for a week brining pork belly for bacon, either.  And that’s something I’m unwilling to go a day without!

–Simon

Idiot Homeowners

I had a post going, but it was another Baby Boomer one, and hating on the Boomers gets old even for me.  So I’ll push down that hate for a bit longer and puke up a different kind: idiot homeowners.

I should turn these events into a series, really, because every time I begin a home repair or improvement, I find evidence of unsafe and shoddy previous home repairs/improvements.  The gem today being the master bathroom fan, which never vented properly, resulting in a constant war on mold.  And with the air in this region already terrible, I’m certain it was doing nothing good to my respiratory ailments.

Air Quality

Something had to be done.

I had previously made an attempt to fix the ventilation, going so far as to stretch ductwork up through the attic to the roof vent, so it was surprising that it still wasn’t doing the job.  Obviously I needed to replace the fan with a more powerful model.  So after some examination of the space and mounting required from the attic side, I procured a super suckerpator 3000.  Or something like that.  Samsung, I think.  120cfm/min.  Awww yeah!

After some infuriating screw removal with constantly failing drill batteries, I pulled the fan from its mount.  The cover, which obviously should have been removed prior, dislodged and crashed to the bathroom floor.  I peered through the opening, and encountered a different arrangement of shapes and colors than I was expecting.  It was the wrong bathroom.

I expressed my anger with the appropriate words which, accompanied by the sound of the fan cover a moment prior, summoned an inquisitive wife.  But, as the bathroom in question was already being dismantled for a remodel, it was a minor setback.  I’ll just have to replace that fan later.

But, where in the hell was the other fan?  No evidence of its existence was apparent from the attic.  Exploratory house surgery was needed.

So I removed the fan cover in the proper bathroom, pushed a wire up the side of the fan, and employed some assistance to wiggle the wire while I looked for movement back up in the attic.  Eventually, after peering about the far corners of hell, there it was: on the very edge of the attic where the roof met the eves.  Translation: it was not attic-accessible.  The new fan I bought required that.  I had to get a different model.

Okay, that’s fine.  There’s plenty of that variety on the market, obviously for scenarios where people are unable or unwilling to access the place from above.  I picked out a new fan, albeit not as powerful (the super strong ones require brackets that mount into multiple joists).

No-attic access fans are mounted on just one side.  Two metal flanges with holes are attached to a single rafter.  The new fan was designed this way, as was the old fan.  But the old fan was attached with 12 gauge fencing staples, which meant I had to reach up past the drywall with pliers and gradually wrench and twist the dam things out.  And the drywall, having been subjected to decades of mold and moisture, was none too resilient.  It crumbled away in the process, much of it hitting me in the face, until eventually the staples were removed and I could pull the old fan out.

And there the problem was revealed.

A casual observer might notice that the insulation was rolled out on top of the fan.  And no, no provision for the vent was made.  All this time, the bathroom was venting into this tiny space, causing water damage.

Well, at least I know now.  No sense getting angry.

HAHAHA, NO I LIED!   CURSE YOU, YOU STUPID PRIOR HOMEOWNER WHO DID THIS!  I HOPE YOUR DEATH IS PAINFUL AND LONELY!

Okay, back to the story.

The new fan installed with minor problems, but now that the drywall had disintegrated, I was left with yet another problem.

Okay, yeah that’s not going to work.

That’s better.

I used the cover from the other fan.  I’ll patch things up later, and of course I’ll need to procure another cover, but for now I at least have some proper ventilation.  Finally.

Idiot homeowners.

–Simon