Existentialism – Page 8

August 16, 2023August 17, 2023

Twisted Metal Black

I reached into my pants and pulled it out. Gripping it firmly, I held it out to the her. She wanted it.

Then she motioned to the contactless tap to pay terminal in front of her. I obliged, bringing my Amazon Prime credit card into RFID range, completing my transaction at Whole Foods and earning 5% back.

It was the first new credit card I had applied to in years, solely on the grounds of the Amazon and Whole Foods rewards rate. It was enough, I had decided, to offset my harsh judgment of private labels, as was the Lowe’s credit card. Unlike the Lowe’s card, however, the Amazon card is a cool steel-grey black and laminated metal. It seemed odd, considering the modern switch to pay methods that induce less physical stress on the material, or no need at all for the physical card itself, for a bank to choose a more durable construction.

The industry shift of course was a direct result of the first metal card, the Amex Centurian card–that invite-only heavy black metal card with no spending limit; mentioned in rap songs and business executive stories involving consort services and cocaine. I admit that I haven’t tried to buy either with my Amazon card, but I’m just not feeling like a badass when I drop down my own heavy metal card.

I was outdone from the start anyway. At a family gathering, my sister-in-law produced her expired Venture card, equally as amused at its metallic nature. But it seems there’s no standard, as her card was significantly heavier. She lamented on how she was to dispose of it – a conundrum I hadn’t yet considered, as my own card was still valid. Up for the challenge, and confident in my beefy commercial-grade shredder at home, I offered to dispose of it for her.

The machine kicked to life and gave it a solid effort, then jammed. I had to employ vice grips and a prybar to, thankfully, save my shredder.

Banks now say to not use shredders. Don’t ignore this advice.

My next attempt what somewhat less graceful: a propane torch.

That worked, but couldn’t have been very good for me to inhale burning plastic fumes. I suppose I could have used my metal shears, but that strikes me as a little too much effort to forever scatter the printed numbers. So I checked some bank websites for official instructions, and they say to mail the card back to them. That’s even sillier than making a metal card in the first place.

I’m open to other suggestions, but all the disposal methods I can think of involve more work than a shredder. I guess that’s the price we have to pay for trying to feel like millionaires.

–Simon

July 26, 2023July 24, 2023

Ignis

A golden spire
In a time most dire
And the land is wreathed in fire

And the sky rains ash
On the populated trash

And we choke on soiled air
But no one seems to care

Because the fight is here inside
And we could have stopped the tide

But now already set in motion
In the land and in the ocean

A species will retire everywhere

–Simon

July 5, 2023June 27, 2023

Luck X6

The first time I found a 5-leaf clover, I was pretty excited.

Luck

I’ve since found a number of them.

Still, it’s cool every time. And I’ve certainly had my share of financial luck over the years. But if the wealthy elites throughout history have taught me anything, it’s that one can never have enough! Behold:

All from this lucky patch. Maybe there’s some uranium down there I could mine.

That means, I get a 10% raise. Or a 50% raise! Or maybe I start earning 10X my current salary! Or one of those stupid mutual funds I keep buying starts paying off?

Whatever the outcome, I’m looking forward to it!

…although, I’ve also learned from history’s elites that violent ends come to those with too much. So maybe I should keep my hopes reasonable. I’ll settle for the $10MM yacht, thank you.

–Simon

June 21, 2023

Albatross Lodge

Of the expectations forced onto able-bodied men of my particular culture, few have been so consistently invoked as that of obligatory free labor. Actually, that’s not so unique to my own culture. That’s been a rather ubiquitous theme amongst the anthropology courses I’ve taken. The exploitation of this sect of society does tend to cause those within it to wonder of what its membership’s “privilege” objectively entails. Granted there may be some benefits to being a man, but remember that it’s still other men in positions of power and influence that subjugate the younger men, so it’s not as if Manhood as a whole is a close-knit brotherhood where we conspire to hold domain over women.

Then of course, there’s voluntary obligatory servitude. I might not want to rub my wife’s foot, but if it hurts I should help. I guess. Because, social contracts and such.

And with that perfect segue, let’s talk about the cottage!

Cottage Fish

Which I have now named Albatross Lodge. A master of literary subtlety, am I.

May my winded introduction provide the context:

A new kitchen counter install was required.

And with that comes everything but the kitchen sink…

And stairs. And Liz’s uncle Dave didn’t even throw things or insult my intelligence. It wasn’t like working on the house with my dad at all.

Will the albatross bring about my downfall until at last, like lead, it falls into the…lake? Or is it at present alive and a symbol of good fortune? I would hazard to guess that as long as the aforementioned social sect maintains it, it will remain the latter. And so, the willing obligatory servitude will continue to pay forward its benefaction, and as the complicated metaphor for which I’ve waxed prosaic stands, it shall so remain Albatross Lodge.

–Simon

May 10, 2023May 31, 2023

Gangsta

As in, 1920s mobsters. Al Capone and The Untouchables and such. Cool gangsters. Not, you know…Glocks and that bitch better have my money…gangsters.

Of what do I speak? Well, remember that elitist pistol I bought unnecessarily for elitist reasons? The 1911, which I’ve name Suburbia?

Well, how better to carry a pistol I would never conceal carry but with a method by which I would never conceal carry?

The background detracts somewhat from the imposing and dashing figure of a man that I am.

I would never conceal carry a gun that, whether legally or illegally confiscated, I would fully expect to disappear from an evidence locker.

But give me a Capone goon’s salary and it might not matter. Look at that shoulder holster!

Now I just need to solve some crime. Or cause some. Or somehow just be caught up in it.

And you better have my money.

–Simon